Dreams of the Past.

I remember this dream I had as a senior in high school. I again find myself a senior in college. Ten years. Ten fucking years and I still remember this dream. What does it mean know, ten years later? Hindsight is 20/20. Was my dream a warning or did I make it become a reality? I'll never really know.

The Dream:

I, we, the usual group of friends from my senior year. Me, Matthew, Val, Aaron, were at Val's house. Val's house is down an old farm road down a hill a little bit of the road. The house faces northeast. As we sat there bullshitting, like we did. The guys doing who knows what, Me trying to have a conversation with Val's sisters who don't understand a person like me. Holding a baby that I was never comfortable with, named Angel.

The day was sunny nothing out of the ordinary. I was standing on the front porch. i hear what I think is the guys coming from the back but rounding the corner of the house, a man. But not any man, I could feel the evil he emitted, I could smell my own fear. His face is indescribable but I see it clearly in my mind. His smile. His eyes. His voice rings in my ears as if I had just left a concert.

Walks up, stands in front of me and asked for the child. I refuse. He demands and gets nothing from me. He begins to walk away, heading east, he says "I will get her". And as quickly he appeared he was gone.

My translation:

I remember waking up unable to breath, in a cold sweat, disoriented. I was headed east in a couple months, off to SFA. I should have never gone east. The same direction he was headed as he spoke. He was going ahead of me, preparing for my arrival.

The baby represented my innocence, I was only a teenager. Only beginning to learn a few of life's many lessons, thinking like every other teenager, that, I was invincible but out of nowhere comes heartbreak not only in love but in life. The innocence of a young girl about to be lost, taken, given, shared, destroyed.

The familiar place just means that I was never going to find a home where I went. I still haven't found that place to call home.

He caught my eye. His smile, His eyes, the two features that I'm most attracted to in men. Your eyes are the windows to your soul and the truth or lies that come out of your mouth. But he doesn't not just represent men but also all the other vices that waited ahead.

I should have never gone east.

Cracked

I am not completely broken because I will never let him break me again but I feel like I let him crack me. No, I know I let him crack me. I can not let him affect because when I allow him to, it affects every other aspect of my life. My visions blurs and I lose focus.

I know it's Thursday but I can not recall the last two days. I have been walking around in a daze. Conversations had have been forgotten. People seen have just been a blur of shadows in my memory. Roads traveled only by habit. Silence deafening. I sit in the dark now trying to recall anything that would be significant and only a few things stand out but to wrap my mind around them would be in vain.

This is not a place where I like to be. I feel like I have lost control. And to whom of all people...I know better than this. This game he plays. He took this round, I must admit but not without a fight. I did what I had to, to gain back the control I felt like I lost expect I fight smart. The hurtful words that had to be reread are just words not truths. Just opinions not facts. He's blaming me for his unhappiness and I have nothing to do with it anymore.

The future is unpredictable but I know that I must continue to move forward. I have put myself together the best I can and I can only continue down this path of rebuilding.